When it hurts to hope
Maybe the title of this column caught your attention because it struck you as odd. Most of the time when you think of the word hope, it’s usually associated with positive things. But what about when it doesn’t? What about when the sheer thought of hoping again makes you sad, angry, resentful, and the hurts from your past start screaming in your soul? You start thinking of the disappointments, the betrayals, the loss, the rejection and the thought of hoping again is almost laughable.
It can seem like all social media is conspiring against you as you see post after post, status after status, announcing everyone’s dreams coming true and prayers being answered but your own.
Regardless of what you’re waiting for — love, becoming a parent, a promotion, a healing, reconciled relationships — waiting is tough. When the desires of our heart take their sweet time coming, it can make us feel miserable in our souls. In the in-between, we know we should cling to hope. But sometimes, hope hurts and it’s difficult to believe. Our waiting isn’t always confident, cheerful, and strong. We’ve heard hope is an anchor for the soul - sure and steadfast. Yet, an anchor doesn’t stop a storm from coming. It doesn’t erase the pain or stop the waves.
Though hope may keep us from being driven by despair, there’s still tension. We’re suspended between believing in the desired future and accepting the here and now with all its highs and lows, especially if we have experienced debilitating disappointment in the past. So, what do we do?
Many times, we build walls around our heart. We engage in relationships but only on the surface. We let people in but not too far. We isolate and try to convince ourselves that going at it alone is better. Many times, the people carrying the most hurt use humor and sarcasm to try and deflect what’s going on inside. We adopt a “what if” mentality that is rooted in fear. “What if I hope again and I am disappointed and hurt all over again?” What if I hope again and I get my heart broken?” Remember: betrayal is something others do to us. Bitterness is something we do to ourselves.
Friend, you can’t receive what is now when you hold to what is old. When you hold on to your history, you do it at the expense of your destiny. It’s okay to be honest about the pain of unfulfilled dreams. You don’t need to feel guilty or beat yourself up for hurting. Denying pain and stuffing it down doesn’t bring healing or happiness. The depth of your vulnerability will determine the completeness of your healing. Your healing begins the moment you stop pretending that you’re not hurt. In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.
Being victimized by your past is when you think more about who you used to be and what you used to do more than who you are right now and who you can become. We learn how to move on from the event but never process the disappointment. How you process the disappointment determines whether faith propels you or fear paralyzes you.
No matter what we hope for (even secretly), someone else longs for the same thing. It’s so easy to feel like the only one with delayed hope, but maybe others are just waiting for someone to be brave and speak up. Whether we find those others at work, at church, at the gym, sharing the struggle is both needed and helpful. Do we have to take a risk to have friendships & relationships? Absolutely! However, if you build your support system right, the REWARD is so much greater than the risk. How can we support each other if we don’t know what is going on with one another?? Shame is like mold; it grows in the dark. When you bring your life into the light with the RIGHT people you will find love, help, friendship, and hope!
You’re not afraid of new love. You’re afraid of old pain. Don’t let the heart that didn’t love you, keep you from the one that will. When you hear that little voice saying no one believes in you, you're too broken, you’ll never get over it, this isn't working and this isn't worth it - another voice rises to remind you that the best is yet to come - that’s hope! Fear gives us a reason not to try; hope gives us a reason not to listen!