Building your support system
We live in a time where communication has never been easier but the more platforms we have, the less connection we seem to have. We live in a time where it has never been easier to pretend that everything is ok. We can even create an entire persona so that no one ever has to know the truth about what we are struggling with. This is perpetuated by the lie that “Nobody needs to know. I need to keep it a secret. If I admit that I need help, then everyone will think less of me. What are people going to think of me”? Sure, this type of thinking and living creates a sense of security and insulation from the world but it’s also VERY lonely.
If you are going at it alone and feel like something is missing, that’s because it is! You were never intended to go through this life alone. Loneliness is actually causing a health epidemic, and this is not just tied to depression, anxiety, suicide (which are at all-time highs) but cardiovascular issues, sleep deprivation, and premature deaths are all being connected to loneliness (and this was the case before COVID! Imagine what it has been like in quarantine)
I’ve been there, friend. I remember getting so angry for feeling alone, despite always being surrounded by people. Years ago, I was at a leadership conference and in one of the breakout sessions, I will never forget what the speaker said: Loneliness is a choice. (Read that again!) How many times has someone checked on you, asked how you were, invited you to something and time and time again you lied when they asked and turned down the invitation? Then, we get mad and say something like: how come no one cares about me?!
For far too long, too many have believed the lie that opening up will make you look weak, and that honesty will weaken your relationships. The truth is it will strengthen them! You can be vulnerable with people and still have privacy. Not everyone needs to know everything but if they don’t know something, how can they offer support? How can we support each other if we don’t know what is going on with one another? How can we celebrate with you if you keep it private? People are not mind readers.
Vulnerability is being real with a real-life person. It's saying to a trusted friend who has earned the right to hear your honesty -- not just anyone and not everyone -- that you are not doing ok. But social media has gotten us really messed up. The real people who love you, who pray for you, who support you, who ask you how your appointment went -- those are the people who are with you on your journey, and they are a part of your healing. People will comment on your posts, but comments don't replace conversation.
Sometimes we get so tired of playing games with people that we just check out. Checking out is giving up because you have been betrayed or let down one too many times. Do we have to risk having friendships? Could we get hurt? Of course! But if you build your support system right, the REWARD is so much greater than the risk.
So. How do you build that support system? Who do you already have in your life? Make a list of ALL the people you currently interact with. Go through this list and put a star next to each person who is supportive. Write next to their name what makes them supportive. Answer the following questions: Do I feel respected by this person? Do I trust this person?
Does this person bring out my best qualities? Does this person allow me to feel good about myself? Do I leave interactions feeling positive?
Your support system should be just that, supportive. If you find that certain people tend to take much more than they give, if you feel drained after each interaction, this isn’t considered supportive. In relationships there is an ebb and flow to support. Each person takes turns being the supporter as life happens.
Change is a process that takes consistency. You can’t be vulnerable one time and think it’s going to fix itself. Change comes when you feel that urge to cover up, withdraw, or fake it but decide NO! I'm going to be honest and talk to someone about my situation.
(Talk to you again on August 15)