C’mon! You’ve got this!

Have you ever said that to someone? Someone ever said that to you? This is a typical response after someone has been pouring their heart out; venting about a struggle; worrying about something upcoming. The intention is typically to encourage. The heart behind it is to try and remind them they’re stronger than they think; the situation is not as bad as it seems; or brighter days are coming.

Vulnerability is not easy for most. It’s terrifying for many. The courage it takes to reveal your heart is one of the most intimidating choices a person can make. Vulnerability is not winning or losing – it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.

The person opening up to you is literally telling you they don’t “got this”. In their own way, they’re asking for help - at minimum a listening ear. As I stated before, I believe that the person on the giving end is trying to say something encouraging but they might not realize that what they’re doing is minimizing what the speaker is saying and feeling. People do not want to be talked out of their feelings -- they want to be seen, heard, and understood.

A “you’ve got this” statement to someone triggers (or deepens) thoughts and feelings of: why DON’T I got this? There is already an insecurity at work here and I can tell you from personal experience that hearing this (or “just be strong”) helps absolutely nothing. It’s the equivalent of someone telling you to “calm down” when you’re upset. I have yet to find an instance of telling someone to “calm down” that didn’t mimic the exact same effects as throwing gasoline on a fire.

When someone tells you to “man up”; “stop crying”; “stop being so dramatic”, I would wager a hefty bet that it’s in pursuit of their own comfort, not yours. If sitting with someone who is emotional makes you uncomfortable, you’re not a bad person. It doesn’t even mean that you don’t care, but I wanted to use this space to offer some practical advice and suggestions on what you can say instead. Perhaps these tools could be used to encourage yourself when you don’t feel strong or put together. (Hint: it’s all of us!) Remember, just because someone’s pain doesn’t make sense to you, doesn’t mean it’s not real to them. Empathy matters.

Instead of “you’ve got this” or “you’re so strong” here are some alternatives: “You don’t have to be strong all the time”; “This is hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m here to support you”; “it’s ok to not be ok”; “how can I help you get through this?”; “it’s ok to take your time. I’m here if you ever want to talk.”

Positivity is always well intentioned, but it doesn't always get the result we're looking for. Sometimes we use a cliché instead of setting a boundary. It’s better to tell someone, “I can really tell you're struggling with this. I don't think I’m the best person to help you” instead of, “You got this!”

We all cope with loss and struggles differently. While your heart might be in the right place with “you’ve got this” or “you’re strong”, this isn’t always the best way to be there for someone. It implies that strength is the only appropriate response to a hard situation, and also invalidates other feelings.

Sometimes saying nothing and simply being present by listening can the best thing you can do. Many times, especially people of faith, try to offer a divine reason or explanation for what has transpired. Although the heart may be in the right place, the search for meaning and reason often fails to hit the mark.

While it may be beneficial to try to look on the bright side of things and find the silver lining in life experiences, it’s important to also acknowledge and listen to emotions when they aren’t as pleasant. No one can be a ray of sunshine 24/7; humans just don’t work that way. In fact, paying attention and processing your emotions as they come and go may help you better understand yourself and those around you.

Talking about mental health is not attention seeking. People die in silence everyday due to this judgment and then people say “I wish they would have spoken up.” We live in a society that stigmatizes mental health and mourns suicide. And if YOU are struggling, keep speaking up.