Toxic Positivity - Part 1

We have all heard the phrase “look on the bright side” at least once in our lives. And yes, sometimes we do need those little reminders to be positive: “stop and smell the roses”, “things will get better” and “remember, the glass is half full”. We've all heard of the power of positive thinking – a philosophy that doesn’t allow for “negativity.” So, when someone we love is feeling down or facing a challenge, many of us often turn to positivity to comfort and console. But what happens when these reminders become toxic? What happens when positivity shuts down the path to healing, rather than opening it up?

Positivity itself is not toxic, but positivity can become toxic when we address somebody with a cliché, advice or a statement, and it leaves them feeling like they don't have room to be vulnerable, explain themselves, or share how they're feeling; when we don’t leave space for validation or understanding. This might be when somebody comes to you with a problem and you say, “Come on, it's not that bad. Get over it ... everything's gonna be fine.'"

Or you may say something like, “look on the bright side, it could be worse!” after hearing about a friend’s misfortune, unknowingly bulldozing through their emotions and shoving them into the land of sunshine and rainbows without consent. You want to make them feel better. You mean well. And hey, maybe it could be worse. But, the person hearing this is usually left screaming “Will you just LISTEN?” as you keep trying to divert their attention from what is clear and present to them. We have to learn how to validate what someone is going through in a way that works for them and not just in a way that feels good for us.

Positivity is always well intentioned, but it doesn't always get the result we're looking for. Sometimes we use a cliché instead of setting a boundary. It’s better to tell someone, “I can really tell you're struggling with this. I don't think I’m the best person to help you” instead of, “You'll get over it.” “You got this! “Look at all the great things in life.”

You may feel like you need to help them or they’re going to get stuck there. Humans naturally want to fix things and make it all better. We don’t enjoy stories without a clear, happy ending. We also don’t enjoy experiencing the distress of others and feeling helpless, so you say things like: “Come on, so many people have it worse! Be grateful!”; “Smile, you have nothing to be depressed about!”; “Be positive!”

When a person is venting about their problems, they want to feel supported and hope for the future. By saying something like “Don’t be so negative”—sure, it’s telling the person to be happy, but maybe it isn’t that simple. And maybe that’s going to make them feel like they’re not allowed to feel the way they do—which can make them feel even worse! People don’t want to be talked out of their feelings. They want to be heard, seen, and understood.

As a society we seem to really enjoy this type of positivity because it makes us feel like everything is ok. However, it also puts a lot of responsibility and pressure on the individual. It lets us be able to say, “This is your issue and if you could just be a little bit more positive, you would be able to fix it.”

Social media has played a huge role in how much we see positivity being pushed on us in our daily lives -- that everybody else is doing so great, and they're so happy, and we're not. Caring more about looking happy on social media than actually being happy in real life might just be the greatest mistake our generation continues to make.

Ever heard this or said: “you need to be strong” and when someone is grieving that “you need to be strong for them"? These statements imply that being strong means not showing emotions. Truthfully, the strongest people are those that are able to show a full range of emotions and are able to be vulnerable.

What happens when YOU (yes, you!) keep trying to be a little more positive and you just feel worse? You walk around wondering why you can’t just be a little bit more appreciative, grateful, or smiley. You feel confused. It’s like everyone else has it all figured out and you’re the loner in the corner. (To be continued with part 2 on March 21).