Fight or Flight
There is something fundamentally beautiful in being human. There is also something fundamentally challenging in being human. On a daily basis, there is an opportunity to see the very best and the very worst of humanity. One of the greatest privileges in life is the opportunity to love. One of the greatest pains in life is to suffer loss. Every single experience – from the greatest joy, to the most devastating heartbreak – and everything in between – has played a part in our life outlook and the way we respond to situations and people.
Within every single one of us is the fight or flight response. The fight-or-flight response refers to a physiological reaction that occurs when we are in the presence of something that is mentally or physically terrifying. The fight-or-flight response plays a critical role in how we deal with stress in our environment. While the fight-or-flight response happens automatically, that doesn't mean that it’s always accurate. Sometimes we respond in this way even when there is no real threat but a perceived one.
Poisonous relationships can alter your perception. This could be a relationship with a blood relative; a trusted friend; a respected authority figure in your life; perhaps even a romantic partnership. Countless individuals could share stories of the verbal, mental, physical, and emotional abuse they were subjugated to at various points in their life and to this day the adverse effects it has on them and their ability to have or sustain healthy relationships. Our brains are wired for connection, but trauma rewires them for protection. This is why healthy relationships are difficult for wounded people.
When the flight response kicks in, that “flight” tends to lead to a place of isolation – in some cases literally but most often, figuratively. This means that you tend to keep people at arm’s length. Sure, you can smile and carry on a surface conversation – always redirecting the conversation away from you so that no one can get to know the real you – and while you tell yourself it is safer this way, what you have managed to do is isolate yourself in a crowd of people and walk away feeling lonely. You tell yourself: If I hide behind an image, I don't have to deal with who I really am. The reality is that the place you escaped to in one season has become the place you’re enslaved by in the next one.
How about when the fight response kicks in instead? For example, this is when someone starts to self-sabotage something. Why? You convince yourself that it’s easier to reject yourself in advance than to put yourself out there and risk rejection again. Let’s call it pre-jection. In other words, if you never get in the ring, there is no chance of getting hurt.
Many reading this have become so jaded that it feels near impossible to receive the nutrition from other people's encouragement because you experienced it in a manipulative format. So, you’re reluctant to receive anything anyone says to you that is positive because you’ve trained your taste buds to search for something that is negative.
Friend, I get it. I’ve been hurt too. Who hasn’t, right? We’ve all got issues because we all have a story. It’s just that so many – SO MANY – have believed lies about themselves for years! So many have confused the familiarity of the negative voice they hear in their head with absolute truth. You might have heard it for years, but chances are, it started lying to you on day one. Truth is an acquired taste when you’ve been eating lies all your life!
Listen, you haven’t been needing the wrong things; you’ve been getting them and searching for them in the wrong places! Don’t regret being a good person to the wrong people. Your actions speak for you and their actions speak for them. You are NOT selfish for wanting to be treated well.
Is there risk in opening your heart again to friendship and relationships after being hurt, abandoned, or even them passing away? Of course, it is. However, the alternative is debilitating loneliness; and that loneliness can give way to resentment and ultimately transforming into bitterness. Don’t confuse guarding your heart with hardening your heart – guarding is being selective; hardening is keeping everyone out. I encourage you to not stay stuck in an old story but rather, embrace a new truth: let go of the idea that you have to earn your worth. You only need to recognize it!